The List: Is it getting in the way of your happiness?
Admit it. You've got one. Most people do. That list detailing what your perfect person is like. Maybe you
don't have it written down, but you have one. It's in your head waiting for your next date. You'll pull it
out when you meet another unsuspecting candidate. How many people flunk the test? Do you ever feel that the
list may be getting in the way of your happiness?
Most single people who are actively dating have a list of things that they look for in a person. They may not sit down
and write out a top ten list of the qualities they want someone to have, but most people look for certain qualities that
they want someone to have in order to narrow down their choices. They also find that it is very hard to find someone to
fit their list exactly. It's easy to get physical appearance checked off, but then you get to the other stuff (i.e. a
good job, doesn't live with parents, doesn't have children, etc.) and that's where the problem lies. You can't inspect
a person like you would a car. Your list is a wish list, not a checklist. Never let a list decide your absolute outcome.
A list should be a guideline to point you in the right direction.
"What would the ideal person for me be like?" Have that discussion with yourself. Be aware of your wants
and desires. But, also understand that what we want and what we get are two different things. Ever notice that the
things we want and the things we need in our life are rarely the same? The things we want keep us going. However,
when we finally get something we need in our lives, it's a huge sigh of relief. Knowing what you want is easy.
Knowing what you need is a whole other ball game
The problem is how do you figure out what you need? The Answer: know what you want and then be open to other possibilities.
If you ask most couples who have been together for longer than a year whether upon meeting they found each other to possess
every quality they wanted in another person, you will most often hear the answer, "no." However, something
interesting you may be surprised to find out is that most times, one or both of the people will agree that they found
something in the other person that they didn't even know they wanted from someone. Think about that when you're out
there dating.
Going on a first date is a lot of pressure. We forget that dating can be fun. If you go into it with the intent of
meeting the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, aren't you putting too much pressure on someone you've
just met? If you go into a date checking off a list, aren't you saying that you're not interested in getting to know
the person you made the date with? Didn't you just take a fun situation and turn it into a test? Dating should be
fun. It's okay for you to have a list of the things you want, but don't bring it to the date. Enjoy the date as it's
happening. You may find that at the end of the night the list doesn't even matter. Or you may sit back, check off a
few things and then find yourself adding a few more.
The great thing about dating is that it's not a long term commitment. You can go out with someone on one date or ten
dates before calling it off or claiming it as something more serious. You should view dating as practice. The best
way to know what you want in another person is to meet a lot of other people. You'll find that your list will be
constantly changing as you realize that there are other qualities that you like and some that suddenly don't seem
that important. There are hundreds of people out there who are looking for the same things you are. Some of them
you'll hit it off with and others you won't. Don't let the near misses bring you down. Even going on dates that
don't work out can teach you valuable things about what you do and don't want. The point is how you use your list
can either help or hurt you. Don't use your list as an excuse to find something wrong with a person. Use your list
as a starting point. Look for the qualities you want, but don't be limited by them.
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