Setting up an online profile can be one of the most daunting tasks you will ever undertake. After all, it's the Web's version of a first impression. Instead of dazzling people with your quick wit and charm or impressing the hell out of a date by slapping down your Corporate AmEx for a five-course meal complete with a bottle of the restaurant's finest bubbly, you have to sell yourself in words. Feeling the pressure yet?

Fear not. Creating an online profile is an art form, one I'm going to give you a crash course in right here. You see, gay men tend to be cyber whores. I don't mean we'reonline 24/7 trying to get booty, but because it's hard to meet other gay guys out in public sometimes (our gaydar doesn't always soundoff in the frozen food section of Vons), we tend to shop for love online.

Dozens of Web profiles later, I'd like to think of myself as something of an expert, and now, you will be too. Like anything, practice makes perfect, so get your pens ready- this first profile might take a few incarnations, but you'll get the hang of it.

Rule Number One: Always be yourself

This may sound like a given, but you have no idea how many people make crap up to try and sound cool. If you're going for the intelligent vibe and, under favorite books, you put William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury and that your favorite playwrightis Edward Albee, make sure you're intensely familiar with both. People online love to quiz you, and should an Albee aficionado happen tostumble onto your profile and take an interest, you'd better believe their attempt at breaking the ice will be a question aboutsymbolism throughout the man's work.

Making yourself sound interesting and well rounded doesn't have to mean lying. Under interests, you don't have to put things you do every day. These are things that interest you. Maybe it's a hobby you haven't tried since the summer of '93, but if you found the right person, you'd do it again in a heartbeat. Put it down - why not? But if you're scared to death of heights, don't put "avid skydiver and extreme sports enthusiast" - unless, of course, you wanna meet the man of your dreams 30,000 feet up.

Rule Number Two: It's all about the photo

Or photos, for that matter. Ten years ago, it was acceptable to have blurry scans or no photo at all accompanying your profile. But in today's day and age, when digital cameras and scanning equipment are a dime a dozen (Kinko's will scan and prep a photo for the Web for a dollar), there's no excuse to have crap pics.

This is the first time most of these people will be seeing you, so get it right. I know people who have photo shoots for their Web profiles a few times a year, complete with costume changes and complexion friendly lighting. So find a single friend with a good eye (or a married friend who wont judge), grab the four outfits you look killer in and start experimenting. This is your love life, after all - time to pull out the big guns

Rule Number Three: Testimonials never hurt

People love to read what your friends think of you. It offers outside prospective. So rope a friend or two into trying the online thing with you and write down some nice things about each other. For one, you'll look like less of a loner. Secondly, they may say something about you that takes you completely by surprise, an added bonus to your profile and an ego boost rolled into one.

Rule Number Four: Originality always wins the race

Under hobbies you put "shopping and friends," favorite movies you put "Pretty Woman" and what you're looking for you put "hotties." Ooooh, you're a real winner - really easy to differentiate from the 20,000 other people who put that in their profiles. Come on. There has to be more to you than that - (and if their really isn't, to be blunt, get some hobbies, stat).

Your job in an online profile is to make people remember you, to persuade them to take that extra step and message you. Cookie-cutter answers wont get you there. Dig through your video library and find an obscurity, think really hard about things you enjoy in your spare time. This is no time to be bland.

Rule Number Five: Why stop with one profile?

Think of online profiling like playing the lotto - buy one ticket and your odds are slim. Buy ten and they're that much better. People who use Friendster may not use Mega Mates, and vice versa. Put yourself out there and hit the largest audience possible. Your chance for return promises to be much bigger.

Rule Number Six: Believe in karma

So the guy who e-mailed you isn't your type at all. He's 20 years too old, has a hairy back and under hobbies he put "spooning and Chinese Checkers." Delete, right? Wrong! It takes two minutes to send the guy a hello, how are you and thanks for the kind message.

Why bother? Because it's rude not to, and karma's a bitch. He took the time to flatter you with an e-mail, the least you can do is thank you. When the tables are turned and you e-mail someone who has no interest, I firmly believe you stand a better chance at not being ignored.

And finally.

Rule Number Seven: Keep it fresh

Like anything, profiles have a shelf life. Once your profile has made the rounds a few dozen times, it will start to blend. You'll notice this when the messages start to peter out. When that happens, change it up. Swap out a pic or add some interesting tidbit that's happened to you in the last few months. It's like putting that new coat of paint on a used car - it makes everything look new again.

And there you have it! Rocket science, no? But a solid introduction to a world most people cringe at the thought of entering. Don't be scared. It's 2005; people meet online all the time. And if you play your cards right and follow the rules, the next cyber success story might just be you.

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