The Art of the Breakup
Let's face it - dating is stressful. From debating over what to wear on the first date to determining who gets stuck
with the bill, from knowing when the moment's right for a first kiss to meeting friends, parents and siblings. But I
think there's one thing we can all agree non - no matter how stressful dating someone new might be, nothing poses more
cause for worry than that moment when it all comes to a screeching halt.
Provided you aren't some pig who could care less about another person's feelings, cutting someone loose is not exactly
easy. Whether you're worried about their feelings or just want to avoid getting your tires slashed, it takes some
thinking to get the words just right.
There are several theories on how to best handle a breakup, and depending on the circumstances surrounding the situation,
any number of pointers could prove useful. For example, if you get the sense there might be physical violence involved,
bypass the breakup and skip town. If it's a clingy ex you're dreading, perhaps taking out a restraining order is in order.
With so many choices, we're bound to have one that works for you.
Notes, E-mails and Phones are an Easy Out
If confrontation isn't your thing, try the cop out approach. Just like Sarah Jessica Parker was dumped on a post it on
Sex in the City, using a timeless method of communication to say what you can't is a good way to end things without the
pressure. Be Warned: It's also a fairly insensitive way to get your point across. Don't be surprised if
whomever you dump is none too pleased and responds poorly.
Have a Friend do the Deed
And, if you can't even muster the strength to say what needs to be said in your own words, find that shameless friend
with no fear to cut the ties for you. You're off the hook and all bets are off. Be Warned: These aren't
your words anymore, so said friend could be dumping your betrothed for any number of reasons. It's up to you to be aware
of exactly what was said. Also, see above for the insensitivity factor.
A Death in the Family Always Works
I'm not saying kill someone, but weaving the yarn that a close relative has died and you need to be with family is a good
way to chase away anyone who hasn't quite yet passed the "new relationship" mark. This wont really work with anyone
you've celebrated milestones with yet (it might actually have a reverse effect and make you closer), so use sparingly.
Be Warned: Karma's a bitch, so if you're believer, this might be a fire you don't want to light.
Honesty is the Best Policy, Right?
You can always just say what's on your mind. Is it the hair, the smile, the way she invades your space 24/7, the stupid things
he says that get under your skin? If you want someone to know exactly where they stand, tell the truth. Be Warned:
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" is misleading. People tend to want to work on their faults, and you may cave
to pressure when faced with the prospect that he wants to mend his ways.
The 'It's Not You, It's Me' Approach
One of the most vague, bullshit excuses of modern time, but it works - usually because the person on the receiving end of
the comment is so floored that someone actually used it they can't wait to get out of the relationship. Be Warned:
If you say it's you, try and have a supplemental reason just in case they start asking questions. In today's dating scene, it
never hurts to be over prepared.
We Can Still Be Friends
If you like the person but you just aren't romantically attracted to the person, this is your best bet. Use this for people
you want to keep around, just not in your bed. Be Warned: Don't say it unless you mean it. You are sort of
committing yourself to something here. Also, expect a cooling off period. Couples don't just morph into best buds overnight.
They Can't Date You if they Can't Come Within 100 Yards of You
If you really want to make sure they're gone and they stay gone, take out a restraining order. Typically used for abusive
relationships, you can also attempt this approach when someone has "stalker" written all over them. This is one of those
approaches that sends the message loud and clear the first time! Be Warned: You can't get a restraining order against
someone just because you're sick of them; there has to be a valid reason. And, taking criminal action is no laughing matter.
If you are making up stories, prepare to have your name smeared in mud all over town.
Play the Victim - Be the One Who Gets Dumped
If you don't want the guilt of breaking a heart on your conscious, you can always see to it that you get dumped first.
How? Oh, come on. If you're a guy, try the overbearing, controlling approach. If that doesn't work, be needy, overly
sensitive, an emotional basket case who can't get it up. Ladies, max out the credit cards, cook awful meals, move in
without asking. Or, if all else fails, take such a power trip steam comes out of your nostrils. Be Warned:
Some people have a high tolerance for excessively annoying behavior. You may have to keep up this act for a while.
And, if all else fails.
Change Your Name, Address and Phone Number
Any relationship is going to have trouble making it if one of you disappears like Jimmy Hoffa. It's an extreme
approach, but one that will likely work if you commit to it. Don't opt for this one unless you're really, really
certain you never want to see this fool again. Be Warned: It's not like entering the witness
protection program. Credit card use, magazine subscriptions, real estate purchases, etc . may give you away.
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