Reconnecting with the Ex
I know people who claim to be best friends with all of their exes. On the flip side of the coin, I know people
who've never spoken to any of their exes after the locks were changed and joint custody of the dogs revoked.
For most people, however, I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. There are those you dated who you found weren't
destined to be any more than friends, and those you never got over-the mere mention of their name makes you long for more
of whatever it is they gave you.
Of course, then there are the losers you hope get run down by a 16-wheeler, but we'll save those mistakes for an entirely
different column.
I pose the topic of exes because, as I write this, I'm on a plane to go and see one. That's not my sole purpose for traveling-a
topic we'll touch on more later-but I happen to be going on a business trip and he happens to have just relocated to that city.
I dropped the casual email mentioning that I was going to be in town and suggesting that it would be really nice if the two of
us could meet up for lunch.
He accepted, and the knot in my stomach immediately tightened. This will be our first time seeing each other since breaking up
six months ago. Panic sets it.
But really-why should it? I've been here before. See, I've always been of the firm belief that if something in a person's personality
attracted you enough to date them, then it should certainly be attractive enough to maintain a friendship. So what's the big deal, right?
Easier said than done.
As with everything, I believe that the key to keeping things calm, sane and together is in going in with a game plan-I'm not saying
you have to map out the entire thing, but going in with an idea of how you'd like things to play out will certainly help.
Keep It Neutral
Your first encounter as friends is not the time to take a walk down memory lane. Don't go to the same place you had your first date
or sing karaoke to "your song." Go some place fresh and new and establish this new relationship on its own terms. You'll have plenty
of time to revisit the past-use this time to look to the future.
Keep Some Friends Around
I found this particularly helpful. When you share mutual friends, they can help to balance out the conversation so you don't
take any dangerous left turns into emotional territory. I've had exes I always seem to "revisit the good ole' days" with every
time we talk, which is all well and good-as long as you don't have any intention of actually acting on it. Keeping friends close
by helps to keep things platonic. of course, if your goal is to wind up in the sack, only keep your friends around until a suitable
level of comfort has set in.
Avoid Certain Banter
There may come a time and a place for you two to take a walk down memory lane-in fact, to really heal as a former couple and make
a clean, comfortable segue into a solid friendship, you probably should. But in the beginning, keep it casual. Getting too emotional
the first time you really hang out together will create an awkward pace it might be difficult to recover from.
Have Realistic Expectations
You can't expect to spend several years together, break up and meet a few weeks later for dinner and a movie like nothing's ever
happened. A lot has happened-a lot of emotional stuff has happened. Take it slow. You don't have to magically fall into an easy,
breezy, comfortable friendship overnight. These things take time. Go at your own pace and be open to whatever comes of it.
Remember What Connected you in the First Place
There's only one huge difference between a really strong friendship and a really strong partnership-sex. Sure, there's a difference
in how you love each other, and in how you look at each other, but those are what we call minor differences.
Don't Be Afraid to Have a Good Time
So often when we meet up with our exes, it's as if we're setting out to fail-as if the slightest spark or connection will send us
running back into a relationship. Stand your ground. Just because you share a laugh over pizza or have a genuinely good time hanging
out doesn't mean you have to fall back in lust. There's nothing wrong with your relationship evolving to the next level. In fact,
some might argue that once lovers make the best of friends. After all-what could you possibly have to hide from one another after
seeing each other naked?
And Finally.
Don't Be Afraid to Be Honest
You think you're the only one who finds this sudden reconnect awkward? I'll bet your ex is every inch as skittish.
Why ignore the pink elephant. Probably the easiest way to dull your nerves is to put them all out on the table. If
you both admit you're not quite sure what to say or do, you can bond over that-and if all else fails, a shot of
something over ice always does the trick.
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